Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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