at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
