pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
