My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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