One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize