My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
