She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
