So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Is Oprah even human
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
