i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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