Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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