Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
