And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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