i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The uberlube is also flammable
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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