I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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