why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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