I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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