If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
3pm strippers are depressing
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
