I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
