I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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