Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
