soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
