but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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