It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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