Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
