I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My cat gives me a boner
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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