i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
