I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my sisters under your porch take her home
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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