my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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