If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
