So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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