OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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