I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You made out with two different species that night
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
