How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
