I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
