I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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