i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
