there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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