woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
