I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
