why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
