if i can run in heels then i can drive
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
