wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Randomize
