Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
