and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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