sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
