I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
