i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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