im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
