How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize