I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
