Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Randomize
