Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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