dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
