I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
