He uses pillows to masturbate.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
home. puking in laundry basket.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
