Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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