I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
