Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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